ALL IN

     Just recently our pastor did a series at our church called “ALL IN”. In the beginning of this series I didn’t think that he was talking to me because I felt that I had been obeying Jesus by being “ALL IN”. I thought, “Well, I am writing the book that He is calling me to write so I am being obedient, the pastor isn’t talking to me.” I was totally wrong. Being “ALL IN” with Jesus doesn’t mean that you decide to cannon ball into the waters but decide to just stick your feet in instead…when He calls you or me or anyone…He wants all of us!

     Yes, I had been writing the book that God called me to write, but I was still trying to control the situation. The book IS FINALLY done and I had a plan in my head of how it should pan out to be published. My plan was to finish writing the book and edit it over and over again before anyone touched it to correct it. I wanted a perfect product to hand off to the publisher. Before the publisher got it, I would let a friend read it to give me the approval that it was “publishing worthy”. Then and only then would I set up a KICKSTARTER account to raise the money for the publishing cost. Once I had the approval of someone reading it that it was “publishing worthy” and had “all the money in hand” then I would purchase the package and trust the Lord.  I really was only half way in by trying to control the situation with all of “my plans”.

     My family and I have been challenged to go further, “Cannonball” in, and be “ALL IN”! Instead of trying to go in my “perfect” flawless order, we have taken the gigantic leap of faith. We put a deposit down on a publishing package with Xulon Press to start the process of getting the book published this past Friday. Of course, after I made the purchase, all of the “what if’s” started to flood my mind. What if the book is horrible and doesn’t sell? What if I don’t get the money through kickstarter and my family is left with this financial burden? What if something happens in my family because the enemy is in full force due to our leap of faith? What if, what if, what if? The enemy was having a blast in my mind causing doubt by adding new “what if’s” every minute. I felt as if I was the goalie in a hockey game and that everyone on the ice had countless hockey pucks and were taking shots at me relentlessly. But I had to quit those voices because…I knew and still know that the Lord wants me to do this. I decided to quit putting all of these “stipulations” on what He was calling me too and quit being held back by fear…and let it all go. 

I have learned when it comes to being “ALL IN” with the Lord…

1.     It doesn’t make sense:

a.     When Jesus called His first disciples they were going about their business and trying to catch fish…the way they supported themselves. He called them to leave that all behind and taking nothing with them.

b.     Matthew 4: 18-22, “As He was walking along the Sea of Galilee, He saw two brothers, Simon, who was called Peter, and his brother Andrew. They were casting a net into the sea, since they were fishermen. “Follow Me,” He told them, “and I will make you fish for people!” Immediately they left their nets and followed Him. Going on from there, He saw two other brothers, James the son of Zebedee, and his brother John. They were in a boat with Zebedee their father, mending their nets, and He called them. Immediately they left the boat and their father and followed Him.”

2.     It is a scary thing:

a.     Following Jesus makes you abandon all comfort and to never look back; which to anyone can be scary.

b.     Luke 9: 57-62, “As they were traveling on the road someone said to Him, “I will follow You wherever You go!” Jesus told him, “Foxes have dens, and birds of the sky have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay His head.” Then He said to another, “Follow Me.”

“Lord,” he said, “first let me go bury my father.” But He told him, “Let the dead bury their own dead, but you go and spread the news of the kingdom of God.” Another also said, “I will follow You, Lord, but first let me go and say good-bye to those at my house.” But Jesus said to him, “No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for the kingdom of God.”

3.     It causes you to ask others to follow the crazy journey:

a.     Acts 2 reveals where Peter preaches because he can no longer hold in the awesomeness of the Father and Son of the universe. The Holy Spirit just came down upon them and he preaches to all that are gathered. He proclaims what the prophet Joel has said has come to pass and he further explains what people should do in order to experience Jesus for them. Once he did this they were forgiven of their sins and church grew before his eyes.

b.     Acts 2: 29-40, “Brothers, I can confidently speak to you about the patriarch David: He is both dead and buried, and his tomb is with us to this day. Since he was a prophet, he knew that God had sworn an oath to him to seat one of his descendants on his throne. Seeing this in advance, he spoke concerning the resurrection of the Messiah. He was not left in Hades, and His flesh did not experience decay. “God has resurrected this Jesus. We are all witnesses of this. Therefore, since He has been exalted to the right hand of God and has received from the Father the promised Holy Spirit, He has poured out what you both see and hear. For it was not David who ascended into the heavens, but he himself says, The Lord declared to my Lord, ‘Sit at My right hand until I make Your enemies Your footstool.’ “Therefore let all the house of Israel know with certainty that God has made this Jesus, whom you crucified, both Lord and Messiah!” When they heard this, they came under deep conviction and said to Peter and the rest of the apostles: “Brothers, what must we do?” “Repent,” Peter said to them, “and be baptized, each of you, in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins, and you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit. For the promise is for you and for your children, and for all who are far off, as many as the Lord our God will call.” And with many other words he testified and strongly urged them, saying, “Be saved from this corrupt generation!”

4.     Blessings will follow:

a.     Jesus had risen and came to reveal Himself to the disciples for a third time and He blessed them with an abundant feast.

b.     Matthew 21:6-7 “Cast the net on the right side of the boat,” He told them, “and you’ll find some.” So they did, and they were unable to haul it in because of the large number of fish. Therefore the disciple, the one Jesus loved, said to Peter, “It is the Lord!”

5.     He promises to never leave:

a.     Even when He calls us to be “ALL IN” He is “IN” with us!

b.     Hebrews 13: 5, “Your life should be free from the love of money. Be satisfied with what you have, for He Himself has said, I will never leave you or forsake you.”

     So, here I am taking a dive and being “ALL IN” the way Jesus calls me to be. To others it may not make sense and I am scared out of my mind but I am asking you friends to join me on this journey of being “ALL IN” with Jesus…the one worth being all in with! Not only do I believe that God will show up for me in a mighty way but I also know that He will show up for you too if you follow Him through obedience and complete abandonment. He promises to NEVER leave us…He promises to show up for us. QUIET THE VOICES…TAKE THE DIVE!!! YOU WON’T BE SORRY!

 https://youtu.be/hXqXIicm8uU

Because I took the DIVE...I got my first donation for the book yesterday!!! 

GOD IS ALREADY SHOWING UP!!!

TIFFANY

1, 2, 3, 4...I declare thumb war!

    One, two, three, four I declare thumb war! HA...TRICKED YOU!!! I am not talking about a game played with hands. I am talking about the grueling process of writing a book. I did not go to school for this so honestly I have no idea what I am doing at all. I just know God has called me to do this so, here I am!

     Whenever I was told about "all things writing" from the amazing author coach in front of me, I learned that my book could be published at 30,00 words but the average book size is 45,000. I had no idea how I would get to 30,000 words but 45,000 words seemed way out of reach. I was lost at where to start. I finally brought myself to sit down and just "write already" and the words kept coming forth. 

     The day that I got to 30,000 words was a glorious day! I was so thrilled I reached that goal. But I kept the idea of 45,000 in the back of my mind. I thought, "Yeah right there is no way I would make it to that amount of words!" Well, if you read my last blog you found out that I am currently above the 45,000 mark. I am almost to 47,000 words and the book still isn't done. But there are a couple of questions that haunt me daily...DOES IT MAKE SENSE? ARE THEY EMPTY WORDS?

     Throughout, this process I have had to be super sensitive to the Lord. I have had to make sure that the words that are typed out are His and not mine. I want to step aside so that He can be glorified through all of it. I want to make sure that the words down are not just words to “increase my word count”. I don't want a bunch of empty words on a page...that would do nothing for the LORD at all! 

     I really hope and pray that God is happy with what I got down so far and that HE will be happy with the finished product. Will it be a page-turner? Who knows!!! BUT regardless of how intriguing it is, I want to be obedient. A friend of my and recently published author Anna Schaeffer, of All of This, gave me some amazing advice. She said, "Before I submitted my book to the publishers I asked myself a very important question. Can I read this book in front of Jesus and my grandmother and would both of them be satisfied? If I could answer, “YES”, then I knew my book was ready!" 

     I am praying that I can continue to stay focused and do what He has called me to do. I pray that every time I sit down at the computer to pray, write, type, and edit that it satisfies my Savior, Jesus...and of course my grandma. Thank you Anna for your advice and thank all of you who continue to pray for me and encourage me. I am not going to stop now! With the Lords help and all of you fabulous people in my life I know I can do it! My prayer and goal is to be finished by Christmas.

     Please pray that I can lay aside all of the unnecessary distractions and negative thoughts to focus! I want to make my Father in Heaven proud and punch Satan in the face! I also want to make all of you proud. More importantly I want lives to be changed! Here I go...keeping my eyes on JESUS the perfecter of my faith and yours too! 

     Hebrews 12: 1-3, "Therefore, since we also have such a large cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us lay aside every weight and sin that so easily ensnares us. Let us run with endurance the race that lies before us, keeping our eyes on Jesus, the source and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that lay before Him endure a cross and despised the shame and has sat down at the right hand of God's throne." 

Because with out Him, there is nothing else! 

TIFFANY

Check out Anna's blog and book here! Order your copy today!!! https://annaschaeffer.wordpress.com/all-of-this-a-ya-novel/

SO, I AM WRITING A BOOK!

     Lately, something strange has been occurring on my Facebook page. I have been putting up word counts every now and then for my status. If it's been hard to put things together I am here to announce that, yes, "I AM WRITING A BOOK! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?" I can hardly believe it myself to be honest. The journey so far has been so amazing and totally God inspired. My journey started about two years ago. 

     The Lord gave me the first half of the title. I thought, "Write a book Lord? ME? You have got to be kidding me!" Every now and again I would have this sudden urge to write but I did not think that I was capable for such great a task. I got bored during college writing just 3-5 page papers. I had no idea how I was going to spit out at least a 150 pages for a whole book. 

     My hands were tied with fear of failure and I just couldn't bring myself to write anything down. I was being extremely disobedience. I kept acting as Moses did giving off every excuse in the book (pun intended). But Lord, I am not great with words. But Lord, how would I share my book with people, I mumble and my anxiety makes me freakishly red…that is so embarrassing. So, I did what Moses did...I pawned it off of on other people saying, "Lord, isn't there someone else? There is no doubt that there are PLENTY of books out there in the Christian world so does there really need to be another?" I did not think another one was really necessary. 

     BUT GOD! He kept chasing me with an endless pursuit. He wanted me to write. His first step was getting me invited to the Velocity Conference in Cumming, GA, by our church pastor. A married couple was unable to attend and he knew that our family had been praying through a lot of things in our path. Although, writing was the last thing on my mind because my anxiety had hit the fan all year long and had spread my emotions all over the place. I couldn't focus on anything for very long.

     Luckily, all of the plans worked together and we, my husband and I, were able to attend the conference. A friend of ours was able to watch our kids for two days and we were off to learn, grow, and be challenged. Our first day there we were given the "guide to the weekend" and the first thing that caught my eye was a "book writing seminar." Our pastor encouraged us to go to whatever seminar we felt led to attend. 

     I sat in the cold, metal chair, wondering what in the world I was doing there in the bright green room. I felt like I was in a fog or having an outer body experience. I watched everyone around me, super confident about their book idea and jotting down notes from the guy up front. He stood tall and gave off a lot of excitement about books. He said, "The best thing about writing is leaving behind a legacy." I wanted to leave a legacy. I was inspired. Reluctantly, I signed up for a one on one meeting with the zealous man up front. I thought there was nothing to lose at this point. 

     I signed up for another seminar for later that day. I don't recall the exact name of it but it was something to the effect of, "How do I get from saying I want to do something to, I did it." Well, my husband and I were seeking God about all the stuff on our plate so I thought, this was our place to be! I sat down again in another chair and I realized I had been super on edge. I had been having small panic attacks ALL day! I hated panic! I felt like there was literally a WAR inside of me. Something needed to come out and this man knew it. 

     When we got as comfortable as we could he introduced himself. Again I am TERRIBLE at names so I do not remember his name BUT he was a book writer. He had been at the conference the year before and went to the one on one session and wrote his book in three months...I kid you not! He had us write on a card of the "task" we wanted to complete and write down exactly how long we thought it would take us. I didn't have a specific thing at the time but I put, "write a book and be done by next year." I figured no one else would see it so it's not hurting anything being there at all...right? 

      The craziest thing happened that night. After the first day of the conference my husband and I went back to the hotel, read some, and talked about our day. In an instant the rest of the title came to me. I wrote it down and knew that was the title I was supposed to use! I couldn't believe that He spoke so clear to me about it...there is no way it was from me...there is no way I could of thought of it on my own. I was excited for my meeting with the author coach the next day. 

      The next morning we had some Cracker Barrel yummy goodness and then headed to the church. We got to be apart of some amazing worship, which was awesome. However, in the back of my mind all I could think about was my meeting with the author coach. Finally, I got to my one on one session and met with a publishing coach. I sat down bright red...that is what anxiety does to me and I hate it! Before I could speak anything about the book I told the coach sitting in front of me, "So, I have anxiety so I am probably going to cry!" He spoke back, "It's ok...once I hear your story I am probably going to cry too." 

      I didn't get the first word out before I LOST it! I cried, and cried, and cried as my idea and story poured forth. I felt like I had been holding back this dam for a long time and it finally broke and my tears were uncontrollable. I was a shaking mess. He encouraged me with the gentleness of the Father above. He said, "Tiffany, you have to write this story. God has placed something on you and you have to do it." I left wondering where I should start. 

     We got home the next day to a very sick child so I was unable to start right away but once I did and committed this project to prayer, everything came out quickly. I got together a poster board at first and picked out a picture that I would eventually like my cover to be, chapters, book dedication, about the author section, and more. I wanted to "write the vision down and make it plain so that I could run after it" as it exclaims in Habakkuk 2:2. I was ready! 

     Once I finally sat down at the computer I was moving forward fast. In the first two weeks of writing I already had 10, 000 words. One night while writing I had a major panic attack but we won't walk about that much. But I was so scared to sit down and write so I quit for almost a month. Even though I had that hiccup...I started writing in February and I currently have just under, 45,000 words. Forty-five thousand words was my original goal to start with. I HAVE REACHED MY GOAL and the book still isn't done. It is so true what Ephesians 3:20 says about God, that He can do  "More than you can ask or imagine".

     He never ceases to amaze me. Through so many of my friends and their prayers and encouragements from countless amounts of people I have been able to get this far. There are times when I am SOOO stuck and He brings the right people in my life to tell me exact thing I need to hear at that exact moment I need to hear it. Plus, when I need something extra for the book to flow well, He brings up something to my memory that fits amazingly.

     I am so thankful for this book that has been laid on my heart for the Lord. Truthfully, I am able to dream again; for a long time I felt dry, without a purpose. Sure, I am a mom and a wife and for that I am forever grateful. I love being a mom and a wife! However, I have always known that God wanted me to do something bigger than myself. Well, I got it! This book is MUCH bigger than I am!!! I feel totally unqualified to do this job. BUT GOD IS FAITHFUL! I want it to be His words and influence through out all of it! Even if it just reaches ONE person...I want to finish. 

     So, here I am...telling the truth about my number count and asking you friends to continue to pray for me. Pray for healing as I write for myself and for anyone else who will read the words that God has given me. Also, that when the time comes to publish that I have the right amount of money available. I know that If it is God's will nothing can stop it so I am doing my best to lean on that truth! Furthermore, please pray for my family. I know that as we continue to take leaps of faith that the enemy will come. Please pray for protection for us, and wisdom as we step forward in faith. 

     Lastly, and most important...I am praying for each of you reading this blog post. I am praying that God helps you to dream again and that He would speak to you in amazing ways so that you can reach your full purpose for Him. I pray for your families and that you would be provided for in every way possible. I am so thankful for you friends...you will never know how much! 

Because with out Him there is nothing else, 

TIFFANY

     

     

What are you afraid of?

     Whenever I was a kid my fears consisted of thunderstorms, the dark (all because my awesome brothers would turn out the lights and play "bloody Mary" and make me watch awful movies such as Chuckie, Freddie Krueger, the late night show of "Tales from the Crypt," oh and who could forget "IT"~love you bros but honestly...your sick...lol), and frogs (because my awesome brothers would throw frogs at me). I am sure that my parents could think of a few other things I was afraid of but these are the BIGGEST ones that stand out to me till this day. Now, as I have become an adult my fears have increased drastically. I think it has something to do with becoming a parent~plus anxiety of course. When you have your first child, you suddenly start to see everything awful in the world. Germs...bad, sickness...bad, and any kind of unknown...bad. I hate to say it but I have become not a "glass is half empty or full person" but a glass is shattered type of person. 
     The Lord has been dealing greatly with me on the subject of fear and I want to share with you some things I have learned. The first thing we need to do is to try to answer the question: What is the scariest part of having fear? I had to think about this questions a lot before I could come up with an answer for me personally; you may feel the same way or different but here is the answer I came up with. The scariest part about dealing with fear is not being in control of the situation. No, matter what the situation is that I have to face, the idea of being out of control freaks me out. In "Bible Study Fellowship" we have been studying the life of Moses and through this study the Lord has taught me that in the midst of fear, He is still in control. Don't believe me...let's dig into scripture together to find out questions that fear makes us ask. 
     Question # 1. After God tells Moses that he is to "GO" to Egypt to free His people this is Moses response: Exodus 3: 11, "Who am I that I should go..." 
     Question #2. After God tells Moses, "I will be with you" Moses argues with Him asking who he should tell the people God is. So, you could say that he is asking, "Who are you?" Exodus 3: 13.
     Question #3. God gives Moses a clear description of who He is...see Exodus 3:14. Then Moses replies with "WHAT IF?": Exodus 4: 1, "What if they won't believe me and will not obey me but say, 'The Lord did not appear to you?"
     After the questions from fear come up we start to make excuses for not facing our fears. Exodus 4: 10, "But Moses replied to the Lord, "Please, Lord, I have never been eloquent--either in the past or recently or since you have been speaking to Your servant--because I am slow and hesitant in speech." 
     Finally, we give into our fears and are paralyzed by them. Exodus 4: 13, "Moses said, "Please Lord send someone else." If there is one thing I have learned about facing my fears lately is this very important detail...Fear makes us look at ourselves and WHAT WE CAN DO instead of turning our eyes on the ONE who is in CONTROL in the first place. I LOVE GOD's response to every argument that Moses gave. If you take the time to read Exodus chapters three and four you can see exactly what I am talking about. (Now, I am just giving a summary so don't get mad at me). Moses says, "Who am I?" God says, "I am with you." Moses says, "Who are you?" God says, "I AM WHO I AM" and then gives Moses a specific way of how things are going to go down. Moses says, " WHAT IF?" God says, "WHAT IS IN YOUR HAND." See, God was trying to point Moses to all that was right in front of him that He was going to use. Moses starts to give into his fear saying, "I am nothing, I am not good at speaking." God essentially says, hello that is the point. Exodus 4:11-12, "The Lord said to him, "Who made the human mouth? Who makes him mute or deaf, seeing or blind? Is not I, the Lord? Now go!I will help you speak and I will teach you what to say." Then, as we said earlier...Moses actually tries to convince the Lord to send someone else and I just LOVE his response to Moses. He says in Exodus 4: 14, "Then the Lord's anger burned against Moses, and He said, "Isn't Aaron the Levite your brother? I know that he can speak well, And also, he is on his way now to meet you. When he sees you, his heart will rejoice." 
     I absolutely, love THIS response from the Lord because really He is saying to Moses...Your not getting the point. I know you are nothing but I want to use you. I know you are scared and have fears that you are going to have to face but don't worry I will be with you. I don't care if you do not want to go, you are going any way. BUT I will send your brother to help you. Now, people that is just a glimpse of God' grace. He could have struck Moses dead right there and He didn't need Moses to free the people, He could have don't it Himself. But GOD wanted to use Moses to free his people and make Moses face some stuff in order for his faith to grow in God. 
     As Moses, walked with God, facing his fears became easier each time. For example, right before they were about to walk through the Red Sea, they were straight up FREAKING OUT. Just like Moses did in the beginning when God told him all that he was to do. Look at Exodus 14: 10-14, "As Pharaoh approached, the Israelites looked up and saw the Egyptians coming after them. Then the Israelites were terrified and cried out to the LORD for help. They said to Moses: Is it because there are no graves in Egypt that you took us to die in the wilderness? What have you done to us by bringing us out of Egypt? Isn't this what we told you in Egypt: Leave us alone so that we may serve the Egyptians? It would have been better for us to serve the Egyptians that to die in the wilderness." 
     Moses straight tells the people, "CHILL OUT!" Exodus 14: 13-14, "But Moses said to the people, "Don't be afraid. Stand firm and see the Lord's salvation he will provide for you today; for the Egyptians you see today, you will never see again. The LORD will fight for you; you must be quiet." I liken it to...SHUT UP! The man who said he couldn't speak well in the beginning, faced his fears a little at a time, and is now saying to 2 million plus people to shut up. LOVE IT! Now, the question is: Did the Israelites get out of Egypt? Well, if you know the story...of course they did. Did Moses part the Red Sea? No, God did BUT God chose to use Moses in a mighty way to free the Israelites. So, I say ALL of that (I know it was a bit much) to say this...

WHAT IF YOUR BIGGEST FEARS WERE USED TO FREE MORE PEOPLE??? Better yet, WHAT IF FACING YOUR BIGGEST FEARS MEANS FREEING MORE PEOPLE? 

     If you are gripped with fear you have to start looking to the ONE who is in control no matter the circumstance. Yes, this is easier said then done especially since fear makes us ask the, WHAT IF's all the time. In stead of asking the big WHAT IF. Start to ask yourself...WHAT IS, EVEN IF, and more importantly, WHO IS! 

Three simple truths that I learned from "Young Believers Broadcasting" (you can subscribe to this station on You Tube) that have really helped me in facing my fears are as followed:

1. GOD IS FOR ME! Romans 8:31, "What then are we to say about these things? If God is for us, who is against us?"

2. GOD IS WITH ME! Hebrews 13:5, "Your life should be free from the love of money. Be satisfied with what you have, for He himself has said, I will never leave you nor forsake you." 

3. GOD IS IN ME! Colossians 1:27, "God wanted to make known to those among the Gentiles the glorious wealth of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory." 

     Every time I face a fear, these three truths are always there. Is it always easy to face my fears? Absolutely, not! But when I recite these things to myself it makes me focus on the ONE instead of me and my circumstance. I am also reminded of 1 John 4: 18, "...perfect love cast out fear." If I can rest in His perfect love the fears slowly leaves. Have all of my fears disappeared, NO. Like I said in my previous post...I am a working progress. But I know that over time God will give me the strength to face my fears and eventually my fears will not phase me. The day may not be until heaven comes but for now...I AM RESTING IN HIS UNFAILING LOVE!!!

~TIFFANY

Under Construction

For those that know me, this post will be of no surprise to you at all. However, for the one's that have only seen a glimpse of who I am as a person let me enlighten you. I am the type of person who lives 100mph (If I could I would drive this fast all the time too, with out interruptions I might add). I am constantly on the go because that is how I like to be. I enjoy working out, playing with the family, cooking muffins, doing laundry, washing the dishes, picking up the house, making sure the family eats all of the meals a healthy person should in a day, reading my bible if I don't hit snooze in the morning too many times, and even more than that...but I think you get the point...all in one day. I do not know why I developed this type of lifestyle. I guess something deep inside me made me think that if I didn't live that way that something would slip through the cracks, like I wasn't living each moment to the fullest. I mean we only get one life to live right? I thought wearing a large "S" on my chest was the way to go. I wanted to be there for family, friends, neighbors, church, and be all that God created me to be...I really, as Aerosmith says, "I don't want to miss a thing." So, I did my best not too. 

One day when I was driving with the boys into town I noticed something in all of my rushing around town. Number one...I HATE CONSTRUCTION. Our town has construction on ever road I feel like. I didn't realize how much road rage I had until all of the construction started to happen. All of the stop and go can drive a person absolutely crazy! Those of you that live where I do are probably singing a part of the "hallelujah" chorus right now aren't you? Well, in all of my ranting and raving, telling the kids we had to "hurry, hurry, hurry," because were going to be late meeting a friend at "Monkey Joes," Yes, I was really stressed about this...lol! I can laugh now, but I couldn't laugh then. I was a raving lunatic towards my kids. I finally decided that I would tell everyone to just be quiet, "for 5 minutes," for the fifth time. Sound familiar? In the midst of all of the chaos the Spirit said to me, "You, have got to slow down." At first I didn't understand why because, "slow down...I was just going 9 over the speed limit." Now, more than ever I understand loud and clear all that He was trying to say to me...But before I move forward, lets take a step back. 

Our summer was a pretty great summer overall until July hit. We had to say goodbye to our first foreign exchange student who lived with us for a year. We greatly enjoyed having her with us and she was a great addition to the family. The boys loved her too! Well, we put her on a plane back to Germany...tear, tear, and right before that we let our boys go off to the grandparents for what was, "the longest two weeks of my life." 

Long story short in the "two weeks of terror" I realized that I have probably dealt with anxiety my whole life. But when everyone left the house, my life flipped upside down and I crashed and burned. I am sure that everyone super close to me saw it coming but I certainly did not...I was blind sighted. I didn't know what to do with myself. I was literally going through every single ounce of the house organizing it like a crazy person. I was so stressed that I couldn't eat a banana sitting down. In the moment that I should have had complete peace, drank some tea, watch girlie movies (I live in a house full of guys so girl movies are a very rare occasion), and take some time to relax...I was having a meltdown. Now, granted there were a lot of things leading up to this but that would take forever to write about and I am ready for bed...lol. But none the less,you get the point...I just couldn't let myself relax. 

Everyone was gone, I was alone most of the time, and I was very restless. The dust had finally settled. There were no diapers to change, no lego building to build, no foreign exchange student to take to a friends house, no lunch to make, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING and I was just LOST. Then it happened....PANIC. No, really a major PANIC ATTACK. Can I just be the first to say this...which I know I am not...but those things SUCK! They are scary, awful, and no matter what anyone tells you...you really do feel like you are going to die. Imagine you just sat down with the best meal of your life, just turned the TV on watching your favorite show, your in a house all alone, and BAM it hits you and you feel like you are choking, your heart is pounding out of your chest, and you aren't sure you will make it to the phone on time before you pass out, and hit the ground. After this happened, I developed or started to have increase in my irrational fears. Let us just say, "Girl gone crazy." 

I finally know what the Lord was trying to tell me when He said, "Slow down." He knew that a crash and burn was in session for this girl. I fell and I fell hard. It's almost like my first race when I ran track in high school. My coach put me on hurdles for my first year running track...a puny little 9th grader...to fill a spot. I was in first place on my first race...until my foot caught the hurdle and I plummeted to the ground. One of the most embarrassing moments of my life. I still crossed the finished line but let me just say...it hurt. The fall I had this past July may not have been a physical fall but honestly, everything about me hurt. I was broken, ashamed, embarrassed, and not sure how I was going to even get up and start to run again. Anxiety really stinks and it is hard to face something that is so intangible. Ok sure, I have anxiety...that is excessive worry, big flipping deal. But it was more than that. My fast pace life had caused me to spin out of control and leave me flat on my face...scared to move forward because of failure, and scared to stay where I was because of a potential deep depression. All I can say is thank God for His amazing grace, friends, family, church, and a counselor that have walked through with me on this crazy, scary, thrilling journey. 

Do you want to know the end of the story? Ha...lets be real, I have only been working on this stuff for three months. I know all of this will take time to heal from, for this fall has been coming for quit some time. Currently, I have been working on facing my fears one day at a time in hopes to heal from this anxiety...completely healed would be nice but right now I will settle for continual forward motion. In the beginning I was mad at God wondering how He could let something like this happen. But as time has gone on He has revealed Himself in amazing ways. I have learned that even though construction in our lives takes place...whether that be road or personal...is necessary; having roads torn up, bright orange cones everywhere, and lane closers are a good thing. Not only do they make people slow down to actually be able to see what is going on but they are there to "eventually" make the road better for years to come. I know now...and let me tell you that it has been a process...that there is a purpose in my pain. There is a reason why God is making me walk through some of the toughest times mentally, spiritually, and physically in my life and that is to #1. Make me stop and work on things that I have been avoiding fixing for a long time...like a nasty zit on your face that you just don't wan't to pop because it is going to get messy but is totally necessary so that A. It will feel better and B. You or the people around you do not have to look at it any more. #2. Become a healthier person for His Kingdom purposes, my family, and myself. #3. To be able to more forward and let go the things in my past. For as long as I can remember I have pretended to be just "Ok" with everything. Like I am Miss Perfect and nothing bothers me because I am "Super Christian." But painfully I've had to admit that even though I accepted Christ and that He lives in me...I still have gapping wounds that hadn't yet turned to scars. I've learned that there are parts of me broken that I had no idea were even there. Thankfully, I am starting to heal one womb at a time. 

So, what can I say...Miss Perfect crashed, burned, and is now "with God and family and friends" picking up the pieces. Some of them I am throwing in the trash to burn, others I am making a collage for my remembrance, and others I am pasting on my forehead for others to see so that I can show "this is where God has brought me from." Pain, isn't always easy especially when everyone close to you is watching you go through it too because they feel the ripple affects. But I have learned the painful lesson that avoiding pain isn't any better. I found that living the pace I was living in, added to the the things I was avoiding, was causing me and my family more pain than ever. I was a grumpy wife, mother, and very selfish friend. Now, can I still be those things...absolutely...who isn't at times. However, I am learning that slowing down and letting construction take place is vital. 

I am here to admit that I am not perfect, I am definitely a working process, and even though this walk is painful sometimes, I am the most fulfilled that I have ever been. The construction on my life has made me answer major questions like Who am I? (I know right I sound like a 17 year old girl) Who is God to me? What do I believe? What do I enjoy? What am I good at? Where do I fit in this life? Through, these hard questions and many more, I am finding myself again. This person, this girl who I have lost some time ago in the midst of spinning round and round in circles until I fell straight on my back watching the clouds spin by, I am finding her again. I can thankfully say that through this process I am not as grumpy as a wife, mom, or friend. I am taking the time to get to know my husband better, playing with my kids, and even more importantly discovering our God in a more intimate way. Does God have a purpose for our pain? I use to think, "NO." But the more and more I experience pain in whatever form or fashion that may be to that I can say, "Absolutely!" I do not know how this will pan out for me but I do know..."I don't want to miss a thing." 

2 Corinthians 12:9, "But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."

The gift instead of the GIVER!!!

            In this generation of Christians there is something very scary occurring and most of us do not even realize it! The only reason I have noticed it because it is something within myself that I have been dealing with for the past 12 years; a journey that has caused a lump in my throat and caused me to be knocked down further than I want to admit. The journey that I have been on has been like a towel being rung out with filth to which I thought were all good things, but it turns out it was just filth. The things that I thought overflowed from my heart have turned out to be selfish ambition, greed, and hate instead of self-abandonment, giving, and love. My journey started when I was just 16. I know that is a long time ago so please stick with me I will make this a quick version…

            I was a 16 year old girl who had a major heart for God. I was willing to do anything to serve His people which included cleaning a Christian Radio Station for just $60 a week for gas money just to make it there to minister! I didn’t care how little or how much I had I just wanted to reach people for Christ because my love for Him was so deep! I would have visions and dreams of reaching LARGE amounts for Him. Not too long after that I began to not only clean the station but I also was able to go on the air…ME…a 16 year old kid. I went from being on Saturday afternoons, to Monday-Friday’s in the evening, to drive time from 3-6 every afternoon; a 16 year old ministering to the masses. I was thrilled to be used by God in this way!

            Over the years I was able to be a part of this ministry in more ways than one. Unfortunately, I had to leave because of being married into the military. I loved my husband very much and loved where we were but God had different plans for us. We had to pack up our house and move to Charleston, SC. Slowly, the heart I had for God grew cold because I was angry at Him. I didn’t admit this until about a week ago when my husband and I were having a deep conversation about where we were now and the entire plan that we think God has in store for us. I realized in our conversation that…I HAVE BEEN ANGRY AT GOD. I was having such a hard time admitting this fact! Once I admitted this I was so shameful that for the past 6 years, from the time that we left the station, I have lived in a way. Through, our moments of finding a church, praying, and having children my life has been lived in vain. OUCH!

…I had been seeking the gift instead of the GIVER!

            I wanted ministry! I wanted to set the captives free, heal the sick, raise the dead, and bring people to their knees for Jesus. Instead I went from ministering to the masses to cleaning dirty diapers and being home ALL THE TIME! I longed so much to be in a place that I could minister again. Through these feelings I turned into an out of control mom. I became the easily frustrated, emotionally unstable, and ready to burst mom instead of the patient, loving, and kind mom that every child needs and desires. I BECAME COLD!

            In our deep conversation last week on our date after seeing, “God’s Not Dead,” the tears started to pour down my face resembling a waterfall. My husband wasn’t sure what to say. He just stared at me and said, “You say that you are ok with where you are but you continue to ask God why aren’t you using me like you showed me You would? You have to learn to be truly happy with where you are first. Don’t you think that preparation comes before He reveals the good works that He wants us to do.” Well, thanks YODA…lol! But in all seriousness he was right! I just sat there for a second and said, “I AM SO MAD AT GOD!” I shocked myself as I admitted this fact. Over the years I just said, “I am ok with where I am, I love You God no matter what, and where I am God use me!” I would say these things so empty. My words were such a lie.  In the moment of my truth telling, I felt SO MUCH BETTER! I finally let it out and let it go to the most important person to me on this earth. Then I realized a deeper issue in all Christians today…

            We get to a point that instead of seeing the GIVER, we seek the gift! Ministry is a gift because He chooses to let us be a part of His amazing plan and lets us see it firsthand. However, ministry should not be our primary concern. You may be thinking, “Tiffany, what do you mean because without ministry we cannot reach people for Jesus and that is what He calls us to do.” YES, you are so right my friend. BUT we cannot do ministry without the GIVER! We cannot reach people for HIM without the source…HIM! We need all of Him and He needs ALL of us! We need to seek HIM and HIS LOVE instead of what He and HIS love can offer!

1 Corinthians 13:1-3,

            “If I speak the languages of men and of angels but do not have love, I am a sounding gong or a clanging symbol. If I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so that I can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. And if I donate all my goods to feed the poor, and if I give my body to be burned but do not have love, I gain nothing.”

            “But Tiffany this doesn’t apply to GOD! This scripture I have read this pertaining to loving people, and heard it read at weddings. How does this apply to God?” My friend I am so glad that you asked that question!

1 John 4: 8, “The one who does not love does not know God, because God is LOVE.”

            GOD IS LOVE! If God is love and we do not spend time with HIM, stir our affections for HIM, then what is the point of ministry!? We have been so consumed with bigger churches, ministering to the masses, coming up with crafty speeches to be the best message ever, and coming up with the next best drama that we have forgotten the most important part of all….FALLING IN LOVE WITH THE CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE! Now, I can say this with all confidence because shamefully, I have been the person to do all of these! I have wanted more of HIS ministry, HIS GIFT of ministry that my heart grew cold towards JUST LOVING HIM!

            NONE of it makes sense without HIM. Church we have to come to a place that we just LOVE HIM with everything and let HIM DO THE REST! When we die all of this will pass away! ALL OF IT BUT HIS LOVE! His love for us and His love for others! The whole point of HIS story is to change HIS-TORY with HIS LOVE! He will not give up until HE has all of us…every single piece of us and all of that starts with our HEARTS! If we will just LOVE HIM others will fall at HIS feet, and everything will fall into place!

John 15: 4-11, “⁴ Remain in Me, and I in you. Just as a branch is unable to produce fruit by itself unless it remains on the vine, so neither can you unless you remain in Me.

⁵ “I am the vine; you are the branches. The one who remains in Me and I in him produces much fruit, because you can do nothing without Me. ⁶ If anyone does not remain in Me, he is thrown aside like a branch and he withers. They gather them, throw them into the fire, and they are burned. ⁷ If you remain in Me and My words remain in you, ask whatever you want and it will be done for you. ⁸ My Father is glorified by this: that you produce much fruit and prove to be My disciples.

Christlike Love

⁹ “As the Father has loved Me, I have also loved you. Remain in My love. ¹⁰ If you keep My commands you will remain in My love, just as I have kept My Father’s commands and remain in His love.

¹¹ “I have spoken these things to you so that My joy may be in you and your joy may be complete.

GREATEST COMMANDMENT:

LUKE 10:27, “He answered, "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind'; and, 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'"

LOVE HIM CHURCH with EVERYTHING! Let us continue to give HIM our hearts and not our deeds first! Quit striving to be the BEST but LOVE HIM THE MOST!

AS for me where I am today, I am a working progress…but I have started to completely surrender EVERYTHING; laying down my heart for HIM, LOVING HIM and our house is doing the same!

Joshua 24: 15, “But as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD."

DO the same CHURCH…HOLDING NOTHING FROM HIM! 

He won’t relent until HE HAS IT ALL ANY WAY...WHY MAKE HIM FIGHT FOR IT?!!!

http://youtu.be/gEJnePjJZaM