For those that know me, this post will be of no surprise to you at all. However, for the one's that have only seen a glimpse of who I am as a person let me enlighten you. I am the type of person who lives 100mph (If I could I would drive this fast all the time too, with out interruptions I might add). I am constantly on the go because that is how I like to be. I enjoy working out, playing with the family, cooking muffins, doing laundry, washing the dishes, picking up the house, making sure the family eats all of the meals a healthy person should in a day, reading my bible if I don't hit snooze in the morning too many times, and even more than that...but I think you get the point...all in one day. I do not know why I developed this type of lifestyle. I guess something deep inside me made me think that if I didn't live that way that something would slip through the cracks, like I wasn't living each moment to the fullest. I mean we only get one life to live right? I thought wearing a large "S" on my chest was the way to go. I wanted to be there for family, friends, neighbors, church, and be all that God created me to be...I really, as Aerosmith says, "I don't want to miss a thing." So, I did my best not too.
One day when I was driving with the boys into town I noticed something in all of my rushing around town. Number one...I HATE CONSTRUCTION. Our town has construction on ever road I feel like. I didn't realize how much road rage I had until all of the construction started to happen. All of the stop and go can drive a person absolutely crazy! Those of you that live where I do are probably singing a part of the "hallelujah" chorus right now aren't you? Well, in all of my ranting and raving, telling the kids we had to "hurry, hurry, hurry," because were going to be late meeting a friend at "Monkey Joes," Yes, I was really stressed about this...lol! I can laugh now, but I couldn't laugh then. I was a raving lunatic towards my kids. I finally decided that I would tell everyone to just be quiet, "for 5 minutes," for the fifth time. Sound familiar? In the midst of all of the chaos the Spirit said to me, "You, have got to slow down." At first I didn't understand why because, "slow down...I was just going 9 over the speed limit." Now, more than ever I understand loud and clear all that He was trying to say to me...But before I move forward, lets take a step back.
Our summer was a pretty great summer overall until July hit. We had to say goodbye to our first foreign exchange student who lived with us for a year. We greatly enjoyed having her with us and she was a great addition to the family. The boys loved her too! Well, we put her on a plane back to Germany...tear, tear, and right before that we let our boys go off to the grandparents for what was, "the longest two weeks of my life."
Long story short in the "two weeks of terror" I realized that I have probably dealt with anxiety my whole life. But when everyone left the house, my life flipped upside down and I crashed and burned. I am sure that everyone super close to me saw it coming but I certainly did not...I was blind sighted. I didn't know what to do with myself. I was literally going through every single ounce of the house organizing it like a crazy person. I was so stressed that I couldn't eat a banana sitting down. In the moment that I should have had complete peace, drank some tea, watch girlie movies (I live in a house full of guys so girl movies are a very rare occasion), and take some time to relax...I was having a meltdown. Now, granted there were a lot of things leading up to this but that would take forever to write about and I am ready for bed...lol. But none the less,you get the point...I just couldn't let myself relax.
Everyone was gone, I was alone most of the time, and I was very restless. The dust had finally settled. There were no diapers to change, no lego building to build, no foreign exchange student to take to a friends house, no lunch to make, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING and I was just LOST. Then it happened....PANIC. No, really a major PANIC ATTACK. Can I just be the first to say this...which I know I am not...but those things SUCK! They are scary, awful, and no matter what anyone tells you...you really do feel like you are going to die. Imagine you just sat down with the best meal of your life, just turned the TV on watching your favorite show, your in a house all alone, and BAM it hits you and you feel like you are choking, your heart is pounding out of your chest, and you aren't sure you will make it to the phone on time before you pass out, and hit the ground. After this happened, I developed or started to have increase in my irrational fears. Let us just say, "Girl gone crazy."
I finally know what the Lord was trying to tell me when He said, "Slow down." He knew that a crash and burn was in session for this girl. I fell and I fell hard. It's almost like my first race when I ran track in high school. My coach put me on hurdles for my first year running track...a puny little 9th grader...to fill a spot. I was in first place on my first race...until my foot caught the hurdle and I plummeted to the ground. One of the most embarrassing moments of my life. I still crossed the finished line but let me just say...it hurt. The fall I had this past July may not have been a physical fall but honestly, everything about me hurt. I was broken, ashamed, embarrassed, and not sure how I was going to even get up and start to run again. Anxiety really stinks and it is hard to face something that is so intangible. Ok sure, I have anxiety...that is excessive worry, big flipping deal. But it was more than that. My fast pace life had caused me to spin out of control and leave me flat on my face...scared to move forward because of failure, and scared to stay where I was because of a potential deep depression. All I can say is thank God for His amazing grace, friends, family, church, and a counselor that have walked through with me on this crazy, scary, thrilling journey.
Do you want to know the end of the story? Ha...lets be real, I have only been working on this stuff for three months. I know all of this will take time to heal from, for this fall has been coming for quit some time. Currently, I have been working on facing my fears one day at a time in hopes to heal from this anxiety...completely healed would be nice but right now I will settle for continual forward motion. In the beginning I was mad at God wondering how He could let something like this happen. But as time has gone on He has revealed Himself in amazing ways. I have learned that even though construction in our lives takes place...whether that be road or personal...is necessary; having roads torn up, bright orange cones everywhere, and lane closers are a good thing. Not only do they make people slow down to actually be able to see what is going on but they are there to "eventually" make the road better for years to come. I know now...and let me tell you that it has been a process...that there is a purpose in my pain. There is a reason why God is making me walk through some of the toughest times mentally, spiritually, and physically in my life and that is to #1. Make me stop and work on things that I have been avoiding fixing for a long time...like a nasty zit on your face that you just don't wan't to pop because it is going to get messy but is totally necessary so that A. It will feel better and B. You or the people around you do not have to look at it any more. #2. Become a healthier person for His Kingdom purposes, my family, and myself. #3. To be able to more forward and let go the things in my past. For as long as I can remember I have pretended to be just "Ok" with everything. Like I am Miss Perfect and nothing bothers me because I am "Super Christian." But painfully I've had to admit that even though I accepted Christ and that He lives in me...I still have gapping wounds that hadn't yet turned to scars. I've learned that there are parts of me broken that I had no idea were even there. Thankfully, I am starting to heal one womb at a time.
So, what can I say...Miss Perfect crashed, burned, and is now "with God and family and friends" picking up the pieces. Some of them I am throwing in the trash to burn, others I am making a collage for my remembrance, and others I am pasting on my forehead for others to see so that I can show "this is where God has brought me from." Pain, isn't always easy especially when everyone close to you is watching you go through it too because they feel the ripple affects. But I have learned the painful lesson that avoiding pain isn't any better. I found that living the pace I was living in, added to the the things I was avoiding, was causing me and my family more pain than ever. I was a grumpy wife, mother, and very selfish friend. Now, can I still be those things...absolutely...who isn't at times. However, I am learning that slowing down and letting construction take place is vital.
I am here to admit that I am not perfect, I am definitely a working process, and even though this walk is painful sometimes, I am the most fulfilled that I have ever been. The construction on my life has made me answer major questions like Who am I? (I know right I sound like a 17 year old girl) Who is God to me? What do I believe? What do I enjoy? What am I good at? Where do I fit in this life? Through, these hard questions and many more, I am finding myself again. This person, this girl who I have lost some time ago in the midst of spinning round and round in circles until I fell straight on my back watching the clouds spin by, I am finding her again. I can thankfully say that through this process I am not as grumpy as a wife, mom, or friend. I am taking the time to get to know my husband better, playing with my kids, and even more importantly discovering our God in a more intimate way. Does God have a purpose for our pain? I use to think, "NO." But the more and more I experience pain in whatever form or fashion that may be to that I can say, "Absolutely!" I do not know how this will pan out for me but I do know..."I don't want to miss a thing."
2 Corinthians 12:9, "But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."
